It's Happening Again

Tylenol Pm + Sudafed + Antibiotics + Being at your mom's house = Major Revelations.....


Youtube is addicting. I click to watch a new music video next thing you know I'm watching a video on how to make ice cream.

When you can't find the remote in the living room, all trust suddenly goes, "who took the remote?" And then we all just know to stand up.

I walk into a classroom, and right away one of the kids shouts out, "Ms. Goodman, Do you fart a lot?" Since when is it ok for a kid to ask that to an adult in school. I was totally disturbed. But you gotta give the girl credit, she had the guts to ask that out loud. And hey, if she is wondering, well then there's the issue.

You know when someone looks at your baby pictures and says "Aw you were so cute, What happened?" Your new answer should be, Hooker I got sexy, that's what happened.

Our next generation are gonna be some tatted up grandparents.

Why do websites ask if you are human? No, I'm a unicorn.

My girlfriends (black) sister is having a baby. She said, now when's the last time this happened, a black girl actually planned a pregnancy.

People say if you want to feel rich, count the things you have that money can't buy. Um yea, that would be the Louboutins, Louis, House, etc..

The write for Lafayette on True Blood is Genius. Enjoy yourself for a few...http://www.tvfanatic.com/quotes/characters/lafayette-reynolds/page-3.html

Admit it, we've all gotten scared by our own shadow at least once.

Keep this in your Head....

Ok, call it ruminating, ridiculousness, random.....Here Goes.

Those "vintage" tees. We all know you haven't had a RC cola in your closet stashed for 10 years.

A guy can be dressed like a slumdog, and he will still get a girl. A girl could take 2 hours and look great, and end up ordering Little Pete's...alone

The "fake a call" . I mean I get it, and I do it. I just think its ridiculous.

Sips. Unless you have a table with friends, or you enjoy standing .5 inches away from a 20-something banker who is pounding beers and lookin....misery.

Sips x 2. Those girls who are 24+ with no jobs getting all dolled up looking like they worked to go to sips. (with chanel bags in tow)

Sips x 3. We all know you do not go to work in high heels and a maxi dress babes.

Cleaning Lady. It's operation "where did she put that this time." And then a 2 day later call, "Have you seen my thing thats been hanging over my bedroom chair for 4 months."

Retainers. Do people still wear them? Losers.

The man that rides his bike up and down Rittenhouse street singing at the top of his lungs. WE CAN ALL FUCKING HEAR YOU.

Saladbars. You can't tell me that someone doesn't put something in their tray, try it with their finger, and put it back because the other 2 peices weigh 4 oz.

I got pulled over and the reason: I was driving too long in the left lane. It is only to pass. Well officer, If i was trying to pass a car, I'd be speeding, so which rule do you want me to break?

Patty Stanger Matchmaker Millionaire. You are right about everything you say and I hate it!

When did I become old and hating on the annoying 23 year olds that are doing exactly what I did?

My memory sucks. The positive of that is I get to tell stories I think are funny more than once, and they're still funny.

Where the FUCK did all the pay phones go?

If you grabbed someone sexy and told them hey, would Usher approve?

Why are you playing WordsWithFriends if you have to cheat? I will not play with you.

Do women with hairy faces and mustaches not now. Comeon, how can you not tell your friend she maybe needs some Nair. Do they really look in the mirror and not see it?

If you're an emotional drunk.., we don't like when you drink.

Does anyone else love Vamp love?

Why do techno music groupies wear stuffed animal backpacks?

Stop asking me if I'm sure I want to delete. I pushed delete didn't I?

Everything is better black. Coffee, Clothes, Nike Slides, Bridesmaid dresses, Leggings, Brownies, Men.

That's it for now, Deuces...

Girls got balls

My trainer/female magnet/Fashion Expert/Serena Williams obsessor/Body Builder/NFL star/Friend and I had the most amazing conversation I think of my life.
He was just in Vegas and made the astounding discovery every girl knows they once, still, or sometimes do!

And here goes my version of his opinion.....

So ladies. So you have a plan right, for Saturday night. You have to get something new, a new dress, shoe, lipstick....Who notices......other girls.

So we go out, get all dolled u, spend 25 hours thinking about what were wearing, ask our friends what they're wearing, take a shower with enough time for our hair to air dry just a little before we dry and Flat Iron, or Wand....for who? Other girls.

we do all our makeup and try to look "natural" all the while putting too much on, hoping the girls will say, "Oh your makeup looks so pretty," no guy is gonna look at you and say "Oh, she did a really good job of putting just enough makeup on to look natural." Or, "wow, her cheek color looks like she has been sunkissed." We makeup our faces for who to notice...other girls.

. Ok, so the hair is dried and the makeup is done. For who?

We already have the idea in our head of what were wearing. It has to show some skin, either the cleavage, stomach, legs, or back...that's what we think is sexy. Because one of our friends, or frenemies, will notice how good you look, hopefully...want to get that dress, wish they had that Chanel clutch, or is jealous of the long hair.

Then we forcefully shove our feet into 4" heels that have color, bling, or the perfect red bottom....we basically cannot move in, so we look longer and more stylish because of our shoes. Because taller and better shoes obviously makes you noticed....by other girls.

We get to the club, cant move in our dress, or shoes. Cant move cause our makeup will smear. Cant get near crazy dancing people cause our hair might frizz if they spill a beer...

And all the while, No guy will ever notice the difference between Steve Madden and Christian Loubiuton (well unless you have asked for a pair or hinted you love them!). No guy will ever look at your hair and say, It's so straight, and the flat iron really makes it shiny. No guy will ever say he could picture you meeting his mom in the slutty outfit from Saturday night (he could introduce you to his bed though). No guy will EVER notice the price of your handbag.

The point: Girls got balls. Girls do it for other Girls.

Do You?

...still read my blog? Does anybody read my blog?

I'm not Your Daddy

Ever seen a better imitation of a Geico Commercial...It's the Remix..

That's not NOrmal

Some things to share about my School Year thus far....

1. Kid writes :CHICKEN: on her bookbag in whiteout. Her reason: bc she likes chicken.

2. Kids having no idea who Bob Marley is.

3. Rumor has it kids are selling birth control in the cafeteria...really, really.

4. Ass dialing some of my old kids parents on a Sat night. Awesome.

5. A kid coming up to me asking for Perfume. There's only 1 reason for that. Ew.

6. No Homo

7. Break Bread

8. A 6th principal

9. Being Gay is the new Way

10. Like mean girls, there is a webpage with "Tweek of the Week."" Tweek= whore.

Paid

The medicine profiles the line.

Always look behind you...

Let me update you on my very eventful week...

So I'm in the locker room at the gym changing, when a super-obnoxious woman (lady 1) starts yelling at lady 2 because she is "dripping" from the pool. She pretty much bitches at her for a good 5 minutes complaining that she doesn't want her nasty drips fro the pool near her. So I go upstairs to meet my trainer, and of course tell him the locker room drama. Lady #1 then comes over to my trainer and I while working out and asks me If I agreed with her that it was disgusting. When we proceeded to tell lady 1 that you do drip when getting out of a pool is normal, she decided to come over to me, while my head was behind her, and spill out her drink at my feet, and say.." I guess you won't mind tripping on this." She's now kicked out of the gym.


Then we get to work. Im at school, and I see a girl fight start brewing. I hold back on of the girls, first by the hand, then the body. At this point the other chick is coming at her, so I try and pull her away. I had to make a quick decision either let go of the girl, or my pants. I took the latter. Couldn't let the kids see my draws. Well, in an effort to stop it and keep holding on, I turned around...and got punched and slapped and scratched. My first fight ever.

To top it off, I caught the bouquet at my girl's wedding this weekend, and her brother who is Napolean Dynamite's twin..caught the garter. It was like Deb and Napolean reunited.

what Sound do you hear?

Please look at what a HAM my nephew is!

I Like The Bartender

This is what happens when your friend has an Iphone, and a party...

http://iamtpain.smule.com/trackid/565552

Downtown Fun

Today was quite the day... Sunday Funday. It was breakfast on a roofdeck with good company, followed by a leisurely stroll to South Street. The sun done brought the freaks out. Then back to a friends apt. for some Sushi that the chef's had to go to Japan to kill the fish. What a great day with good friends and good fun!

Buy me A Drink...

This is the Remix

I'm obsessed. Sa Pase.

He is Delicious...

Those cheeks.....

Big News...

I have a boyfriend....Hey Boyfriend!

Long Overdue...

2 weekends ago I went back to the holy Land, New York City. Center of the Universe. (ok, slight RENT song popped in.)

Anyway, everytime I get into the City I get into my "I used to live here" mode. I frequent my usual spots I used to go to all the time, and I get so nostalgic of 17 H, Plaza East. I love walking around and spending time doing nothing! I spent time with my brother, and admired his digs and ridiculous artwork. Then off to Soho and the Village to visit friends. I was only there for a night, and had a party, but tried to do as many pop'in's as possible. I decided, if I lived there now I would live on 10th and 4th (West Village) and never again go to the meatpacking to go out. It was cool when I was 22. Not so much now.

Man do I miss living there :-(.

I Can't Help It...

I know I keep talking about my job, but...it could possibly be a TV Show.

I forgot how much fun snowdays are. Now that I work for the School District, I get more excited about school being closed than I did when I was actually in school.

So at school I do the morning announcements over the loud speaker, and last week I decided to sing the Pledge of Allegiance. It was pretty amazing. I made my own jig.

Work just gets crazier and crazier. Here are some of the highlites this week...

1. One student reached into his pocket and asked if I wanted to see the monster...(naturally my head went somewhere else)...he reaches in further, takes out a mirror, and puts it infront of my face. Like, I'm the monster. Awesome.

2. I hung up a sign in my office that reads "Do not come in without a pass". Obviously it has now been tagged to read "Do come in without a pass".

3. We are having a Valentine's Dance on Friday. So far I've been asked by 4 kids. Why wasn't I asked 4 times when I was in school. No thanks, 13 year olds.

4. And Finally, I spray tanned last night and EVERY single kid asked me if "I got a tan". Like, what exactly are you asking? Confused. Until someone called me an Umpaloompa. Awesome, again.

Gaper...I mean Grapes...I mean Gripes...

I'm going crazy. So the principal at my school is "out", and we have a retired substitute principal. This lady is making me loose my hair..and if you know me you know that is THE sole importance in life...hair. Let's start with the micromanaging. Yes, I did go to the bathroom and I am sure I flushed the toilet. Then we get to the yard stick with red paper attached trying to symbolize to 8th graders, to stop talking...Yes, 8th graders. This lady walks down the hallways in her slacks and sneakers, delegating and interrupting. She's like a bad cough that just won't go away.

Next, welle get to a sad sad moment I had tonight. My favorite Mexican BYO, where I frequent often....as they were closing, I noticed a pot of leftover refriend beans, uncovered, dried up, and sitting on the stove. You bet your bottom dollar someone will be eating those tommorow night for dinner.

I hate it when I get all dressed up, ready to go out, and the night turns into a buzzkill. And I don't mean your friend with bad breath close talking...I mean a bar you loved was closed, or you get oil from your chicken fajitas all over your shirt.

I decided I am getting a little cold, so I decided to come home and douse myself in vitamins. And twizzlers NIBS.

And lastly, if you are a delivery person at Marathon Grill and do not know how to get to

15th and locust, you should probably quit. Thanks.

I went Down Again...

I came down South for a visit alright! It was Liam's first birthday (and Jesus' too). We celebrated with a Monkey Birthday party last weekend, and a yummy xmas dinner on Fri night. Liam has lots of antics. Like he puts his hand up like the statue of liberty. He gives high 5's. He shakes his butt and dances. He shares his goldfish and feeds them to you. He's pretty much the coolest kid on earth. It was Sam and Brian's birthdays too, all the Batt Boys in Dec. Lots of fun festivities.

Settin up for the Partayy

Birthday Boy Entrance

Um HELLLLLLOOO coolest Auntie EM

He got a car!

Why Don't You Come on Over?

Even though she's a crackhead...she has an amaaazing acapella voice. And she was my Halloween costume 2008. And she has a beehive!

And I just Can't stop...

More Ruminations A-coming...

Why are large hot dogs called Weinershnitzel. Why would you ever want to eat a Weinershnitzel. I'll keep saying it. Weinerschnitzel.

Basketball Diaries is such an underrated movie.

The Cake Boss is a freakin genius.

One of my students asked if Smart Water really makes you smart. NO comment.

I think that Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Good Night. I can feel it.

Gaga ooh la la ...Gaga Ramma ma.

I saw "This is It" 3 times. Cried all 3 times. Still am obsessing over it.

Have you ever had fried Plantains with cheesey cream sauce on it. Well, I highly reccomend that.

I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger.

Having a HS reunion is like leaving camp, you don't know when you'lle see everyone again and all you do is reminisce and want to relive the moments.